reflection

I’ve spent more hours in this chair than I have sleeping in my bed during this past week.  Writing my thesis has consumed all my waking hours, but even that isn’t really correct at all.

I can’t concentrate on productive work for more than a few minutes, before I’m picking up my knitting, or browsing online stores or some other inane time-filler.  I’ve never thought I had problems with my attention span until the past month, where every time I sit down to work on this one topic my eyeballs feel like they’re going to fall out of my head.

It’s most likely some intellectual fatigue with thinking and writing (ha) about the same thing over and over again, but this is getting out of hand.  My thesis is half the length I feel it should be (can’t someone give me a page limit?!) and physically feel like trash, with all the snacking and lack of sunlight or physical movement in the past three and a half months.

Ten more days!  And then a final exam afterwards, but seriously that is a drop in the ocean right now.

Meanwhile, with all that time I should be utilising productively, I’ve thought about where I am going from here.  I am constantly plagued by self-doubt regarding my future job at the company: in reality, I’ve only received positive response based on my internship/thesis work at the company and have been offered a place there, but I can’t unconvince myself that it could all shatter at any moment, revealing my true incompetence underneath.  I feel like a sham, someone who has managed to bluster their way through and increasingly at risk of tripping up and having nothing to fall back on.  Why would anyone want to hire me in particular?  Why not someone else?

Afterall, I’m less than six months from having a degree.  I will be Qualified, as if that means something.  Like sitting through most of my classes and half-heartedly cranking out my assignments has somehow sustained me through these past three and a half years, and somehow netted me with this degree, a few words I can add on my resumé.  But what am I now?  And even when I do have my degree, what difference does it make?

 

 

 

 

Advertisements